I find that after reading my posts I see little things that stand out. Sometimes it's a phrase, or an idea that comes out... sometimes it's just a single word.
Lately, my life seems to revolve around those little things. Some are the ones we take for granted, like everything around us that we are so close to , but never take advantage of. I made sure I DID go and enjoy that when I went up in the mountains this weekend. I always comment to friends that I want to see Europe, but how can I go there when there's sooo much of the US I've yet to see. I love travelling alone sometimes, but there are more and more times I'd like to have a companion with me.
We take for granted that in our lives as well. Companionship. We forget that the people around us won't always be there. Weather it's a parent getting older, a child growing up, or someone special that you forget why you thought they were special to begin with. So many people my age are at that point where they're questioning their place in a relationship. My friend left his wife after them being together for almost 20 years... they grew apart. The fell out of love.
There's a difference between loving someone, or caring for them, and being IN-LOVE with them. You don't stop caring about them, but you just don't feel that way, for whatever reason, anymore.
Some of it is just a phase, or a shift in the relationship. We evolve as people and when our partner in the journey doesn't come with, it creates a void. Sometimes, it's something much deeper, darker that happens. Something tragic triggers something in your mind that makes you think or realize that you want more from what your life is. A marriage, or any relationship shouldn't be about numbers and convenience. When it's more a business merger of sorts than a bond that binds your souls.... well, you know where this is going.
I don't know why my friends come to me for marital or relationship advice, but they do. I'm told I look at things differently and that I just won't say what they want to hear... I'll be honest with my thoughts.
That's all we can really ask for... trust and honesty.
Today I came to the realization that I love the little things that life brings before you. A smile, a "hello", just knowing that there is at least one person that makes your day brighter becuase they are in it, and even better when you feel like they see you in that way.
To walk in the door, and know you're there, happy to see me.
To share that quiet time, when only we know what those little looks mean.
To make you laugh, when your sad, and smile after a long hard day.
That's all I want. No promises. No games. No alterior motives.
I will not take these things for granted... ( good song by the way )
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Quiet Sunday with snow..
I am going to be very bsuy with work the next few weeks, so I took advantage of today's snow and the fact I wasn't in the office today and took a drive up to Ohiophyle State Park and did some walking around and enjoying the scenery. It was very quiet up there and almost no one around, except a few nuts in Cayaks.... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
So, here's a couple pics to share for now. One is the main rapids there.... another is just one on the trail, and the last one is taken from an old railroad bridge. PA has taken alot of the old railroad lines and turned them into great biking and walking trails. Ohiophyle turned the old rail station into a tourist center and jump point to hop on.
So, here's a couple pics to share for now. One is the main rapids there.... another is just one on the trail, and the last one is taken from an old railroad bridge. PA has taken alot of the old railroad lines and turned them into great biking and walking trails. Ohiophyle turned the old rail station into a tourist center and jump point to hop on.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Something Missing?
So, I'm here typing @ 9 AM on a COLD gray Saturday morning. My thoughts stray from various 'regular' things to that of what-ifs, shouldahs, and just a big "sigh".....
Things have been going VERY well for me overall in the past 3 weeks and maybe my New Year's resolution to myself of living each day the best I can and not look back is actually working.
Work is a bit stressful becuase the struggle between manpower/hours in the day are losing to the job schedules, BUT we're doing the best we can and we'll get thru it.
Life is actually going pretty well too. Tonight is my local region's SCCA banquet and that should be good to see everyone again and start planning for the 2008 season. I'm hopeing for a much better result this coming year.
My personal life is a bit complicated, but I wouldn't trade it right now for anything. Long story, but maybe sometime soon I'll be able to explain better.
I guess really that the ONLY thing that has been kinda missing from my life is me not playing anymore. It's not because I don't want to, but more that I just can't find the TIME to committ to it as I would want to, so I do it right... and that since I no longer have trucks here, I can't get them from place to place.
I miss the creative part of getting together with people and doing that... making something new. I really miss playing out and watching people react to what we play.
Maybe one day I'll get back in the rehearsal room, or studio and get back to playing... there's time.
Things have been going VERY well for me overall in the past 3 weeks and maybe my New Year's resolution to myself of living each day the best I can and not look back is actually working.
Work is a bit stressful becuase the struggle between manpower/hours in the day are losing to the job schedules, BUT we're doing the best we can and we'll get thru it.
Life is actually going pretty well too. Tonight is my local region's SCCA banquet and that should be good to see everyone again and start planning for the 2008 season. I'm hopeing for a much better result this coming year.
My personal life is a bit complicated, but I wouldn't trade it right now for anything. Long story, but maybe sometime soon I'll be able to explain better.
I guess really that the ONLY thing that has been kinda missing from my life is me not playing anymore. It's not because I don't want to, but more that I just can't find the TIME to committ to it as I would want to, so I do it right... and that since I no longer have trucks here, I can't get them from place to place.
I miss the creative part of getting together with people and doing that... making something new. I really miss playing out and watching people react to what we play.
Maybe one day I'll get back in the rehearsal room, or studio and get back to playing... there's time.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
"Quantum of Solace"
That's the title of the new James Bond film, due later this year. At first I thought "Wow, that is a STUPID title..." But then I saw this quote from Daniel Craig who plays bond for the 2nd time in this film...
Craig said Fleming defined a quantum of solace — it means, roughly, a measure of comfort — as "that spark of niceness in a relationship that if you don't have, you might as well give up."
( taken from a yahoo.com news article )
I thought that was quite profound. Seeing as that is something that I've always strived for in mine, I took great notice of that description. It fits my newfound outlook on life, love, and a general state of being... comfort is key.. without it, not much else is going to work.
I'm still working on my own level of this... but I have help.
Craig said Fleming defined a quantum of solace — it means, roughly, a measure of comfort — as "that spark of niceness in a relationship that if you don't have, you might as well give up."
( taken from a yahoo.com news article )
I thought that was quite profound. Seeing as that is something that I've always strived for in mine, I took great notice of that description. It fits my newfound outlook on life, love, and a general state of being... comfort is key.. without it, not much else is going to work.
I'm still working on my own level of this... but I have help.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Just a quick thought or two
Howdy folks,
I am sitting around getting ready to go over John's house to hang out with him and Todd for a while. I get to see Brayden, Wendy and BS and relax for a while. Ahh, the simple things in life. I'm all about those things these days.
I commented to my travel companion today that I'm living life "one day at a time" these days. It's all I CAN do, and that has finally sunk in. Not planning for the long term future, or not WORRYING about that future eases so much potential stress that I don't need... Well, NONE of us really need that, right?
I like being able to "plan" for possible things, even if I can't SEE those things. I did something today... I planned a trip to somewhere I've never been, know nothing about the area, and have no reason to go there among my "usual suspects" ( cars, music ). I might never go on that trip, but I planned it out. When we leave, where we'll stop, what we'll do... when we'll be back.
Anyone that knows me will say that it's not like me to do that, but I think it IS me, but just not had the spark to ignite it and help me embrace that part of me.
I had a fantastic day today, even if work was a bit testing and rough. I had distractions that helped me focus and keep sharp. I went in circles all day trying to get stuff done, but I kept not getting where I wanted to be.
So, now the next two or four days ( depending on what plays out ) I'm going to be a bit bummed, not in a bad mood, but just a bit less chipper than the past week. I look forward to next week for things to get back on track and see how things go.
Ok, well I better go before my head gets in the way and say silly things.
I am sitting around getting ready to go over John's house to hang out with him and Todd for a while. I get to see Brayden, Wendy and BS and relax for a while. Ahh, the simple things in life. I'm all about those things these days.
I commented to my travel companion today that I'm living life "one day at a time" these days. It's all I CAN do, and that has finally sunk in. Not planning for the long term future, or not WORRYING about that future eases so much potential stress that I don't need... Well, NONE of us really need that, right?
I like being able to "plan" for possible things, even if I can't SEE those things. I did something today... I planned a trip to somewhere I've never been, know nothing about the area, and have no reason to go there among my "usual suspects" ( cars, music ). I might never go on that trip, but I planned it out. When we leave, where we'll stop, what we'll do... when we'll be back.
Anyone that knows me will say that it's not like me to do that, but I think it IS me, but just not had the spark to ignite it and help me embrace that part of me.
I had a fantastic day today, even if work was a bit testing and rough. I had distractions that helped me focus and keep sharp. I went in circles all day trying to get stuff done, but I kept not getting where I wanted to be.
So, now the next two or four days ( depending on what plays out ) I'm going to be a bit bummed, not in a bad mood, but just a bit less chipper than the past week. I look forward to next week for things to get back on track and see how things go.
Ok, well I better go before my head gets in the way and say silly things.
Monday, January 21, 2008
back to work
Well, today was the 1st day back to work. Yes, I didn't have last week off, but I felt like I crammed a week's worth of activity into 2 days.
I was NOT at all in the mood for work today, only because I was tired... the upside was that I got to talk to my travel companion again and that felt good. That sounds a bit dumb maybe, since you're saying "Wait, you WERE travelling, and you didn't have your companion with you?" No... and that was the 1 thing missing. Kinda hard to explain.
So, now it's back to the bloggin basics and also back to my "work mode" mindset. I need to buckle down the next week and get focused back on work. We've got alot of stuff going on there and I feel like I'm missing things...
I've got sooo much on my mind, that not much else gets in...
I was NOT at all in the mood for work today, only because I was tired... the upside was that I got to talk to my travel companion again and that felt good. That sounds a bit dumb maybe, since you're saying "Wait, you WERE travelling, and you didn't have your companion with you?" No... and that was the 1 thing missing. Kinda hard to explain.
So, now it's back to the bloggin basics and also back to my "work mode" mindset. I need to buckle down the next week and get focused back on work. We've got alot of stuff going on there and I feel like I'm missing things...
I've got sooo much on my mind, that not much else gets in...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Final Autoshow thoughts
OK, I've had time to think about the rest of the show, as well as get a bite to eat since I've returned home...
The European carmakers were there in full force, except for Porsche, who wasn't there at all. Rumor has it, that BMW bought their space out to make extra room for all their product. Speaking of which... BMW had ALOT of product. The M cars were there, inlcuding my 1st look at the new M3 Sedan. Very sharp, but I I still prefer the coupe. The new 1 series was there, and since some greedy time-stealing jerk took his time to try out every little thing on the car, I gave up on trying to have a seat in it. What I did see, I really liked.
MINI was there with the new Clubman, a stretched mini with little rear suicide doors on it and a different hatch opening. They did a great job connecting with the crowd. With a very small area to work with, they managed to keep the product the center and had a DJ spinning tunes to keep people coming to check it out.
Last night, we went to the hotel bar and hung out for a while. It didn't take long to run up a nice bar bill, and make new friends, including crossing off my list getting to sit and talk to one of those lovely car models... it was all in good fun and I still went back to the hotel alone ( Well, Ed was there, but you know what I mean... ).
I'm exhuasted both mentally and physically.... I need to do laundry... I need to eat...
The European carmakers were there in full force, except for Porsche, who wasn't there at all. Rumor has it, that BMW bought their space out to make extra room for all their product. Speaking of which... BMW had ALOT of product. The M cars were there, inlcuding my 1st look at the new M3 Sedan. Very sharp, but I I still prefer the coupe. The new 1 series was there, and since some greedy time-stealing jerk took his time to try out every little thing on the car, I gave up on trying to have a seat in it. What I did see, I really liked.
MINI was there with the new Clubman, a stretched mini with little rear suicide doors on it and a different hatch opening. They did a great job connecting with the crowd. With a very small area to work with, they managed to keep the product the center and had a DJ spinning tunes to keep people coming to check it out.
Last night, we went to the hotel bar and hung out for a while. It didn't take long to run up a nice bar bill, and make new friends, including crossing off my list getting to sit and talk to one of those lovely car models... it was all in good fun and I still went back to the hotel alone ( Well, Ed was there, but you know what I mean... ).
I'm exhuasted both mentally and physically.... I need to do laundry... I need to eat...
Saturday, January 19, 2008
More of the Auto show
Well, I went back and reviewed the pictures I took to this point and there is alot of GOOD products out there. Between cars, trucks, SUVs, minivans, sports cars, and all the new "micro cars" , not to mention all the alternative fueled vehicles either OUT or coming soon, there's something for everone out there.
I'm not car journalist, nor am I the "expert" when it comes to all things cars, but I can give my opinions based on my experience in and around the car biz.
GM has some super exciting cars and trucks either newly on the market, or on it's way in the next few months. They are normally late to the party on some trends and never seem to quite committ to an idea that they concieve, but they're coming closer to the mark each year and I think they've NAILED it with the new Malibu. Tons of style, good option content and a great pricepoint for the car. What's missing is an optional NAV system in the tradional sense. yes, they have the OnStar turn by turn nav.. but it's not the same.
Ford and Dodge both rolled out their new full size trucks. Both off great distinctive styling that reflects the brands family theme. The new 3/4 size Dodge Dakota falls short on stylign yet again.
The imports have alot of new cars and trucks out there as well. Nissan and the GT-R, many new Subarus on market, Toyota has refreshened some products as well as the new Tundra. Honda has a new Pilot coming out this fall and shown a "prototype" of the new SUV.
There was ALOT of buzz around the MINI display. New for this coming year is the Clubman, a stretched mini with suicide doors like a pickup to get in and out easier.
Ok, well that's enough for now. I've been doing ALOT of typing today between writing emails, blogging, and some more personal thoughts for a friend of mine. I started writing and next thing I new... I had ALOT of stuff down. Hope it comes across right.
I'm not car journalist, nor am I the "expert" when it comes to all things cars, but I can give my opinions based on my experience in and around the car biz.
GM has some super exciting cars and trucks either newly on the market, or on it's way in the next few months. They are normally late to the party on some trends and never seem to quite committ to an idea that they concieve, but they're coming closer to the mark each year and I think they've NAILED it with the new Malibu. Tons of style, good option content and a great pricepoint for the car. What's missing is an optional NAV system in the tradional sense. yes, they have the OnStar turn by turn nav.. but it's not the same.
Ford and Dodge both rolled out their new full size trucks. Both off great distinctive styling that reflects the brands family theme. The new 3/4 size Dodge Dakota falls short on stylign yet again.
The imports have alot of new cars and trucks out there as well. Nissan and the GT-R, many new Subarus on market, Toyota has refreshened some products as well as the new Tundra. Honda has a new Pilot coming out this fall and shown a "prototype" of the new SUV.
There was ALOT of buzz around the MINI display. New for this coming year is the Clubman, a stretched mini with suicide doors like a pickup to get in and out easier.
Ok, well that's enough for now. I've been doing ALOT of typing today between writing emails, blogging, and some more personal thoughts for a friend of mine. I started writing and next thing I new... I had ALOT of stuff down. Hope it comes across right.
Auto Show Update
Hey guys,
Well, I had a great time with my buddy, Ed today at the auto show. SOOO many people were there by the time we left, that I knew we left at the right time.
TONS of beautiful models there ( both with wheels and legs ;) ) .. sorry, but I AM a guy afterall... and soo hard to pick ONE car that stood out.. BUT, I will .
Well, I had a great time with my buddy, Ed today at the auto show. SOOO many people were there by the time we left, that I knew we left at the right time.
TONS of beautiful models there ( both with wheels and legs ;) ) .. sorry, but I AM a guy afterall... and soo hard to pick ONE car that stood out.. BUT, I will .
1st up, is the Pratt & Miller C6RS, this one being a 1-off built for Jay Leno that runs on E85. There is alot of carbon fiber and lightweight stuff in there. VERY badd-A$$ looking car adn I want one. I just need to find a wealthy car loving woman that will buy me one in exchange for me being a kept man :)
Below that...
THe 2009 Corvette ZR-1
THe 2009 Corvette ZR-1
The above pic isn't the greatest one, but it's the best I could do. I promised my absent travelling companion that I'd take a pic or two with ME in it, so I did. Ironically, I hate having my pic taken, but for some reason I don't mind for this... :)
Also, tere as the new Nisson GT-R and the Subaru STI... both listed below... ( as long as I can figure out how to MOVE the images on this new laptop. If not, you'll just have to wait for them to look better when I get home.
Ok, well I hope everyone is well, and drop me a line on here once and a while. No one posts comments anymore :(
I'll be home later tomorrow, hopefully to watch Green Bay kick NY's butt...
Ok, this will be a quick upadte... above is a very welcome sight for me last night... A nice comfy bed... I think that was the best bed I've slept in in a long time.... Sooo comfy, nice and warm....
The 2nd pic is from the view inside looking out into Windsor, Canada from one of the lobbies... It's snowing or sleeting or something out there... BRRRRRR veru cold here today.
It's a little after 8 AM here and while my buddy's resting and getting cleaned up, I'm here typing. Thinking of what I want to show you today and how it would be if you were here to share it.
But, this will have to do, right?
Detriot Rock City....
I hate that song but it's fitting for where I am... it's almost 1AM right now and I just got to Detriot for the North American International Auto Show.
This is my 2nd trip here and I can't wait. I've stated in my other posts what I am looking forward to seeing, so I won't go thru that again.
Who would've thought I could spend so little time away from something and miss it so much. I'm not even sure how that's possible I guess. I killed my cell phone battery today talking... I knew it was getting low, but I was soo distracted I forgot to remind you and myself about it.
So, now I've promised to take a ton of pictures this weekend so I can give a "virtual" tour of the trip. I will do that only because I really wish that this wasn't just ME doing this. That I had my "travel companion" would've been a great thing, but it wasn't to be... at least not this trip.
I have alot of writing, typing, etc to do between now and this coming Monday......Sooo much to say, and soo little ideas of how to get it across....
Sleep tight and keep those happy thoughts :)
This is my 2nd trip here and I can't wait. I've stated in my other posts what I am looking forward to seeing, so I won't go thru that again.
Who would've thought I could spend so little time away from something and miss it so much. I'm not even sure how that's possible I guess. I killed my cell phone battery today talking... I knew it was getting low, but I was soo distracted I forgot to remind you and myself about it.
So, now I've promised to take a ton of pictures this weekend so I can give a "virtual" tour of the trip. I will do that only because I really wish that this wasn't just ME doing this. That I had my "travel companion" would've been a great thing, but it wasn't to be... at least not this trip.
I have alot of writing, typing, etc to do between now and this coming Monday......Sooo much to say, and soo little ideas of how to get it across....
Sleep tight and keep those happy thoughts :)
Thursday, January 17, 2008
So many thoughts, I could explode... or is it implode..
So here I sit, alone, and yet I'm NOT really alone. I type to people I've never met, and yet some are friends, and others are special to me in so many ways. I find that each passing day that goes by lately, I spend my time waiting for emails, phone calls and little msgs to say "I'm here, and I'm thinking of you..." How can something be so simple and yet quite complicated?
I don't know the answer to that. I KNOW that I've gotten very good at streamlining my life and getting rid of the drama, stress and otherwise "baggage" kind of things that always seemed to trap me into more pain than you can shake a stick at.
A friend of mine shared a great little poem with me today and it made me smile so hard I think I broke something. It lasted for over an hour and everytime I think about it, I feel like there's hope.
Hope... it's a dangerous thing. It can give you such great joy when it comes to fruition, or it can destroy you when your hopes and dreams are crushed. But, I finally reached the point where I feel like I can actually HOPE for the future. I know the chances of certain things we look for to happen are severley slim and in all likelyhood I can only hope to come out on the other end with some sanity and other vital things in tact.
I can't see that far into the future, so I don't know what lies ahead for me. For the 1st time in a long time ( probably longer than I can remember ) I am not afraid of the future, or what could or couldn't happen. Our time is short and to live in fear ( unless it's a gun -toting nutcase with your name on a bullet ) is assinine.
More to come.
I don't know the answer to that. I KNOW that I've gotten very good at streamlining my life and getting rid of the drama, stress and otherwise "baggage" kind of things that always seemed to trap me into more pain than you can shake a stick at.
A friend of mine shared a great little poem with me today and it made me smile so hard I think I broke something. It lasted for over an hour and everytime I think about it, I feel like there's hope.
Hope... it's a dangerous thing. It can give you such great joy when it comes to fruition, or it can destroy you when your hopes and dreams are crushed. But, I finally reached the point where I feel like I can actually HOPE for the future. I know the chances of certain things we look for to happen are severley slim and in all likelyhood I can only hope to come out on the other end with some sanity and other vital things in tact.
I can't see that far into the future, so I don't know what lies ahead for me. For the 1st time in a long time ( probably longer than I can remember ) I am not afraid of the future, or what could or couldn't happen. Our time is short and to live in fear ( unless it's a gun -toting nutcase with your name on a bullet ) is assinine.
More to come.
Warm up...Detriot... you better warm up.
Well, I got my stuff 90% packed for the big trip to Detriot tomorrow. Me and my buddy are heading up for the Auto show and I am looking forward to taking a ton of pics. There's supposed to be alot of great new cars coming out there, and I can't wait to see them.
1) 2009 Corvette ZR-1... the King of the Hill is back!!
2) Caddy CTS-V
I don't know what the other guys are bringing, but I hope to see some big hitters from the competition... Bullitt Mustang, Suby STI, Mitsu Evo X, Nissan GT-R...
Even the new Cobalt SS Turbo...
I'm planning on being able to get my pics and details uploaded thru the weekend, so you car guys ( and you lovely car gals as well... ) be sure to check things out and let me know if the pics are good.
I've had a FANTASTIC week, that has been chalked full of surprises both from others and myself... I didn't realize I could do some things I've been able to accomplish this week. I've been in a very good mood all week now, and it's addictive. It feels good to feel good about something.
1) 2009 Corvette ZR-1... the King of the Hill is back!!
2) Caddy CTS-V
I don't know what the other guys are bringing, but I hope to see some big hitters from the competition... Bullitt Mustang, Suby STI, Mitsu Evo X, Nissan GT-R...
Even the new Cobalt SS Turbo...
I'm planning on being able to get my pics and details uploaded thru the weekend, so you car guys ( and you lovely car gals as well... ) be sure to check things out and let me know if the pics are good.
I've had a FANTASTIC week, that has been chalked full of surprises both from others and myself... I didn't realize I could do some things I've been able to accomplish this week. I've been in a very good mood all week now, and it's addictive. It feels good to feel good about something.
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Simple things
It never ceases to amaze me on how important the little things in life are. We spend the days hustling around our works, go shopping, and so forth and all just to get home for either doing nothing... or not able to sit still working until you pass out...
The simple things that make or break our days either seem hopeless or can turn anything into a good day and put a smile on your face so wide, your co-workers question if you're drunk or on something.... THAT is a day worth having...
I had that day today. 3 Days ago, I was quite beaten down mentally and didn't know what the next week had in store for me. Today something completely out of the blue and amazing happened... I got a phone call.... that's it. Just a short call from someone to say hello. It was great to hear that voice. It made me smile so much it hurt... but a good hurt. Everyone should be so lucky to have that kinda pain.
We blindly run thru our lives thinking that all that little stuff isn't really that important. We keep waiting for those things to happen, but we're too busy to notice, or just blind to the little beauties out there just waiting to be taken advantage of.
I know after reading this, some will say "Holy Bi-polar, Batman!" but we all go thru those hips and valleys right?
Here's to a good day!
The simple things that make or break our days either seem hopeless or can turn anything into a good day and put a smile on your face so wide, your co-workers question if you're drunk or on something.... THAT is a day worth having...
I had that day today. 3 Days ago, I was quite beaten down mentally and didn't know what the next week had in store for me. Today something completely out of the blue and amazing happened... I got a phone call.... that's it. Just a short call from someone to say hello. It was great to hear that voice. It made me smile so much it hurt... but a good hurt. Everyone should be so lucky to have that kinda pain.
We blindly run thru our lives thinking that all that little stuff isn't really that important. We keep waiting for those things to happen, but we're too busy to notice, or just blind to the little beauties out there just waiting to be taken advantage of.
I know after reading this, some will say "Holy Bi-polar, Batman!" but we all go thru those hips and valleys right?
Here's to a good day!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Lyrics for a Sunday...
Every now and then, I like to revisit some song lryics and post them.
It's been a while, but none have spoken to me lately... well, until this morning...
Today's selection is by the band, Porcupine Tree from their 2002 Albumn , In Absentia . The last track on the release is a very quiet, appropriate closer for the albumn that's filled with ups and downs, taking a grand journey thru Steven Wilson's songwriting.
"Collapse Light into Earth"
I won't shiver in the cold
I won't let the shadows take their toll
I won't cover my head in the dark
And I won't forget you when we part
Collapse the light into Earth
I won't heal.... given time
I won't try to change your mind
I won't feel better, in the cold light of day
But I wouldn't stop you, if you wanted to stay
Collapse the light into Earth
The song has many meanings ( for me at least ) interwoven into the very sparse lryics. I've taken the song's meaning as..
While I'm in terrible emotional pain and not sure how I could live without you... I won't die. It may feel like the end of the wold, but even if I never change and find that happiness, I have accepted that you can't be part of my life anymore.
It's a bleak outlook and when put with the music it really paints a sad final letter to someone.
More to come later
It's been a while, but none have spoken to me lately... well, until this morning...
Today's selection is by the band, Porcupine Tree from their 2002 Albumn , In Absentia . The last track on the release is a very quiet, appropriate closer for the albumn that's filled with ups and downs, taking a grand journey thru Steven Wilson's songwriting.
"Collapse Light into Earth"
I won't shiver in the cold
I won't let the shadows take their toll
I won't cover my head in the dark
And I won't forget you when we part
Collapse the light into Earth
I won't heal.... given time
I won't try to change your mind
I won't feel better, in the cold light of day
But I wouldn't stop you, if you wanted to stay
Collapse the light into Earth
The song has many meanings ( for me at least ) interwoven into the very sparse lryics. I've taken the song's meaning as..
While I'm in terrible emotional pain and not sure how I could live without you... I won't die. It may feel like the end of the wold, but even if I never change and find that happiness, I have accepted that you can't be part of my life anymore.
It's a bleak outlook and when put with the music it really paints a sad final letter to someone.
More to come later
Saturday, January 12, 2008
The Healing Road
Since it's been so long since I posted, I needed to flesh out some things...
The title above is from a book that I've been reading off and on for over a year. Yes, I read books that don't have to do with cars...
The book is called "Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road" by the drummer from the band Rush, Neil Peart. Seeing as I am a drummer it probably sounds like something I'd read, but this book is about his personal struggle with loss rather than a drumming problem.
Quick and painless version is that a while back, in the span of 10 months, he lost his daughter in a car accident, and his wife to cancer. Later, he hoped on his motorcycle and rode more than 30,000 miles alone ( for the most part ) from Canada, Alaska , various parts of the US, Mexico and parts of Latin AMerica. All the while trying to find a way back to learn to allow himself to live and go on.
He talks aften about his "little baby soul" and how it needs nurtured and taken care of just like a growing child. "Sometimes you need to take your little baby soul out for a drive. It quiets them just like a kid."
I haven't read the book in a while, so I picked up where I left off. While waiting for the car to get worked on @ the dealer, I read almost 100 pages.... It helped me alot. I'm not dealing with loss in that respect. BUT, everyone's "bad time" can be as painful to them as something to another person.
I related to his plight in that he classified himself as "the old me" and "the new me". I see a definate line between those two "me's".
Where do I go on my path from here? It seems changes are abound all around me and without my consent or liking....
Time will surely tell.
The title above is from a book that I've been reading off and on for over a year. Yes, I read books that don't have to do with cars...
The book is called "Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road" by the drummer from the band Rush, Neil Peart. Seeing as I am a drummer it probably sounds like something I'd read, but this book is about his personal struggle with loss rather than a drumming problem.
Quick and painless version is that a while back, in the span of 10 months, he lost his daughter in a car accident, and his wife to cancer. Later, he hoped on his motorcycle and rode more than 30,000 miles alone ( for the most part ) from Canada, Alaska , various parts of the US, Mexico and parts of Latin AMerica. All the while trying to find a way back to learn to allow himself to live and go on.
He talks aften about his "little baby soul" and how it needs nurtured and taken care of just like a growing child. "Sometimes you need to take your little baby soul out for a drive. It quiets them just like a kid."
I haven't read the book in a while, so I picked up where I left off. While waiting for the car to get worked on @ the dealer, I read almost 100 pages.... It helped me alot. I'm not dealing with loss in that respect. BUT, everyone's "bad time" can be as painful to them as something to another person.
I related to his plight in that he classified himself as "the old me" and "the new me". I see a definate line between those two "me's".
Where do I go on my path from here? It seems changes are abound all around me and without my consent or liking....
Time will surely tell.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I doubt this makes sense...
I've been having trouble keeping complete and organized thoughts lately.
I've been quite distracted by some recent events. I drove the whole way home tonight without turning on my XM radio, or listen to CD's. That never happens. I caught myself playing thru my head various scenarios of the way some things play out in life. This was a bit personal and not going to elaborate since I'm still not sure what I'm thinking... ( yes... not making sense, I know ) not sure what in the heck I could possibly accomplish by thinking, talking, typing, etc... all the ways my brain is going in.
Many of you that know me and have been reading these posts for the past year or so know that the #1 reason I did this blog was to vent, and flesh out things in my mind that otherwise would involve therapy of some sort. I can do this as I can get my thoughts organized and re-read them and make sense of it all. Quite often I don't even know what I've typed until I publish them. I've gone back and read some over and over and still don't know if anything I say gets thru to myself or to anyone else.
I've been 2nd guessing alot of my thoughts, and not trusting my gut alot lately. I know me... my instinct is usually spot on and I'm a good judge of my own stupidity and my knack for going too deep into something too quick.
The whole "follow your heart" BS doesn't wash with me. When you follow your heart, you're blind to what's around you waiting to pummel you back into reality. Your heart is like that loveable buddy you have that always is in trouble. He can get himself into trouble, but can't bail himself out. Then your brain ( the sensible, reliabel buddy ) is left there to get him home, sober and ready for rehab.
There has to be some accountability that you must hold to your hard. Make it pay for it's bad choices. It's not going to be there to help you figure out what you need to do to get back in good graces with yourself. The heart wants what the heart wants..... please... don't start...
Life isn't black and white. It's all one big shade of gray that envelopes you like a big warm blanket... but one that you must use alone.
OK... maybe that's a bit bleak... but I call it like I feel it.
I've been quite distracted by some recent events. I drove the whole way home tonight without turning on my XM radio, or listen to CD's. That never happens. I caught myself playing thru my head various scenarios of the way some things play out in life. This was a bit personal and not going to elaborate since I'm still not sure what I'm thinking... ( yes... not making sense, I know ) not sure what in the heck I could possibly accomplish by thinking, talking, typing, etc... all the ways my brain is going in.
Many of you that know me and have been reading these posts for the past year or so know that the #1 reason I did this blog was to vent, and flesh out things in my mind that otherwise would involve therapy of some sort. I can do this as I can get my thoughts organized and re-read them and make sense of it all. Quite often I don't even know what I've typed until I publish them. I've gone back and read some over and over and still don't know if anything I say gets thru to myself or to anyone else.
I've been 2nd guessing alot of my thoughts, and not trusting my gut alot lately. I know me... my instinct is usually spot on and I'm a good judge of my own stupidity and my knack for going too deep into something too quick.
The whole "follow your heart" BS doesn't wash with me. When you follow your heart, you're blind to what's around you waiting to pummel you back into reality. Your heart is like that loveable buddy you have that always is in trouble. He can get himself into trouble, but can't bail himself out. Then your brain ( the sensible, reliabel buddy ) is left there to get him home, sober and ready for rehab.
There has to be some accountability that you must hold to your hard. Make it pay for it's bad choices. It's not going to be there to help you figure out what you need to do to get back in good graces with yourself. The heart wants what the heart wants..... please... don't start...
Life isn't black and white. It's all one big shade of gray that envelopes you like a big warm blanket... but one that you must use alone.
OK... maybe that's a bit bleak... but I call it like I feel it.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Uncramming the Mind Part 2
OK,
It's been a few hours since I wrote Part 1, and between driving for a while and sitting with some friends and my friend's son. That was a blast. Kids are lucky... such freedom.
Freedom. The obvious theory and practicality of the word is simple. The reality of it is that depending on where you live, freedom as a literal term is a bit more fluid. Living in the US, you have the luxury of being born free. The freedom to be what you want as long as you're willing to work at it and make your future for yourself.
We all live around lives based on rules, whether it's laws, morality, gravity, common sense, etc... We all make choices. Some make them and don't look back. Others obsess about what they think they should do and end up second guessing what they think is the "right" answer. Sometimes our choices gome with a high price.
I found myself looking back on a choice I made, or more accurately a choice I chose NOT to make. I consulted with a good friend of mine who was involved unknowingly in the decision.
I tried my hand at taking my advice and saying what was on my mind and not feeling guilty about it. I confessed what I had chose to do all those years ago and while I was a bit embarrased and felt a bit akward, but it was out there and I didn't die. Oddly enough, things were exactly what I had thought.
As I'm driving home tonight a song came on the radio ( XM ) and I almost had to pull over. It was like I had my brain tapped. I was soo entranced with the song, I didn't even check to see who it was. I just know it was a female singing and her voice was addictive. Song was about a person's infatuation for someone they didn't even know. Not even a clue of that person's name, age, etc... you get the picture. It felt so honest and raw. I was moved.
Wiat....where's all this going?
I'm not sure... I started typing and here I am. Talk about going off on a tangent......
Oh well. I need to sleep. I need to find out what my brain is trying to do to me. I think it wants me to go insane, becuase it's not making any sense and can't seem to get it in its "head" that what it says isn't helping...
:)
It's been a few hours since I wrote Part 1, and between driving for a while and sitting with some friends and my friend's son. That was a blast. Kids are lucky... such freedom.
Freedom. The obvious theory and practicality of the word is simple. The reality of it is that depending on where you live, freedom as a literal term is a bit more fluid. Living in the US, you have the luxury of being born free. The freedom to be what you want as long as you're willing to work at it and make your future for yourself.
We all live around lives based on rules, whether it's laws, morality, gravity, common sense, etc... We all make choices. Some make them and don't look back. Others obsess about what they think they should do and end up second guessing what they think is the "right" answer. Sometimes our choices gome with a high price.
I found myself looking back on a choice I made, or more accurately a choice I chose NOT to make. I consulted with a good friend of mine who was involved unknowingly in the decision.
I tried my hand at taking my advice and saying what was on my mind and not feeling guilty about it. I confessed what I had chose to do all those years ago and while I was a bit embarrased and felt a bit akward, but it was out there and I didn't die. Oddly enough, things were exactly what I had thought.
As I'm driving home tonight a song came on the radio ( XM ) and I almost had to pull over. It was like I had my brain tapped. I was soo entranced with the song, I didn't even check to see who it was. I just know it was a female singing and her voice was addictive. Song was about a person's infatuation for someone they didn't even know. Not even a clue of that person's name, age, etc... you get the picture. It felt so honest and raw. I was moved.
Wiat....where's all this going?
I'm not sure... I started typing and here I am. Talk about going off on a tangent......
Oh well. I need to sleep. I need to find out what my brain is trying to do to me. I think it wants me to go insane, becuase it's not making any sense and can't seem to get it in its "head" that what it says isn't helping...
:)
Uncramming my mind Part 1
Well, this past 2 weeks has been a really crazy time. I've had alot go on; some good, some not so...
I made a new friend last week. I lost one this week. Strange how that works.
I wish I could say that the friend I lost was a good one, but the fact was that I didn't know him as well as I could've. A close friend of a friend of mine was killed in a car accident last weekend. What I DID know about him was that he was a fun guy to be around and that judging by the amount of people at the funeral home last night, he had a HUGE impact on people around him. I knew John for about 5 years and only saw him a handful of times a year. Still... last night was alot tougher for me to go thru than I expected it to.
You see, since mom died, I'd not been to many funeral homes and I've had alot of trouble with them since. I felt guilty last night that I didn't have more to say to his parents when I introduced myself. Partly due to a mental block on my part, and partly that I just didn't know what to say.
I've said on here ALOT of times that we all need to cherish the time we have here, and that life is way too short for fear, regret and letting ourselves be unhappy in a situation that we think can't be changed or shouldn't be ...
I'm guilty of not following my own advice. I live each day in regret for the things I have, or haven't done. I live in fear of spending my life alone, yet I'm doo scared to make that move on someone that could be great for me. Deathly afraid of when I say what I feel, that it will fall on deaf ears and I look the fool for saying so. WHY? NO seems to be one of the most painful words in the english language.
So... on that, I will say DON'T make the same mistakes I continue to. Smile at that cute bank teller and find out more about her. Talk to that cute someone you see in line for coffee and strike up conversation. Maybe they're married and happy, but appreciate being noticed. Maybe they're single and are looking for the same thing you are... a connection. I feel with my bad programming I'm doomed to repeat the cycle, but it's not too late for others.
OK... so I also mentioned I made a new friend.
I know very little about this person, and yet every day, I look forward to talking and finding out more about what makes them tick. I find myself thinking about what I'll say, or what the next day will bring. It's nice to have that. Someone interested in what you're all about, and wants to share their time with you. Any relationship you make enhances who you are inside and helps you along your path in life.
I find that stuff I say sounds crazy and at the same time, I'm not afraid. I should be.. but I'm not. Time will tell what this new friendship brings. Maybe it's something that in weeks or months will fizzle and fade like so many do in our lives. It's not the amount of time we are connected, it's the quality of that connection, however brief it may be. Maybe 20 years from now, I'll sit back and can say "I remember when this all started... can you?"
Time is a funny thing.... ( I think I said that before too...)
Stay tuned for Pt2 :)
I made a new friend last week. I lost one this week. Strange how that works.
I wish I could say that the friend I lost was a good one, but the fact was that I didn't know him as well as I could've. A close friend of a friend of mine was killed in a car accident last weekend. What I DID know about him was that he was a fun guy to be around and that judging by the amount of people at the funeral home last night, he had a HUGE impact on people around him. I knew John for about 5 years and only saw him a handful of times a year. Still... last night was alot tougher for me to go thru than I expected it to.
You see, since mom died, I'd not been to many funeral homes and I've had alot of trouble with them since. I felt guilty last night that I didn't have more to say to his parents when I introduced myself. Partly due to a mental block on my part, and partly that I just didn't know what to say.
I've said on here ALOT of times that we all need to cherish the time we have here, and that life is way too short for fear, regret and letting ourselves be unhappy in a situation that we think can't be changed or shouldn't be ...
I'm guilty of not following my own advice. I live each day in regret for the things I have, or haven't done. I live in fear of spending my life alone, yet I'm doo scared to make that move on someone that could be great for me. Deathly afraid of when I say what I feel, that it will fall on deaf ears and I look the fool for saying so. WHY? NO seems to be one of the most painful words in the english language.
So... on that, I will say DON'T make the same mistakes I continue to. Smile at that cute bank teller and find out more about her. Talk to that cute someone you see in line for coffee and strike up conversation. Maybe they're married and happy, but appreciate being noticed. Maybe they're single and are looking for the same thing you are... a connection. I feel with my bad programming I'm doomed to repeat the cycle, but it's not too late for others.
OK... so I also mentioned I made a new friend.
I know very little about this person, and yet every day, I look forward to talking and finding out more about what makes them tick. I find myself thinking about what I'll say, or what the next day will bring. It's nice to have that. Someone interested in what you're all about, and wants to share their time with you. Any relationship you make enhances who you are inside and helps you along your path in life.
I find that stuff I say sounds crazy and at the same time, I'm not afraid. I should be.. but I'm not. Time will tell what this new friendship brings. Maybe it's something that in weeks or months will fizzle and fade like so many do in our lives. It's not the amount of time we are connected, it's the quality of that connection, however brief it may be. Maybe 20 years from now, I'll sit back and can say "I remember when this all started... can you?"
Time is a funny thing.... ( I think I said that before too...)
Stay tuned for Pt2 :)
Friday, January 4, 2008
A Hockey night in Pittsburgh
Well, I went to the Penguins vs Leafs game last night with my friend, Karla and what a great game.
I'm not good at figuring out hockey yet, but it was very exciting and bewteen fights and fast scoring, it was never a dull moment. Had pretty good seats and great company.
As we're leaving, I see this funny poster for construction workers.... but us autocrossers get the joke :)
"love a cone today"
Classic!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
2007 Year in review
This has been a big year of change for me in a few ways. No, it's not been a bad year but it has been one of many 1st's for me as well as changes in things.
Any of you that know me, or have been following this blog have probably noticed the change in tone of the blog, as well as just all the stuff I've done this year that I haven't before.
In the course of the year, I've made new friends, re-estabished some, and lost one here and there along the way. Some are still in limbo as I've not quite figured out what to make of them.
Work was a good year in 2007. I got great satisfaction in knowing one of the projects I worked on is going to change the way ( hopefully ) in aviation and the way things are done. I learned alot @ work about not only our company, but also my abilities in my career and what is to come for me. If the last 2 months of work are any indication of what is to come in 2008, we're in great shape to have an even better year.
My autocrossing stepped up a in a big way this year. This was my 1st FULL year in the sport and it was a HUGE learning experience and a big undertaking for me to accomplish. I did my 1st national level events this summer/fall, and while I didn't place well I learned alot about what I need to do this year and what NOT to do. I have tons of plans for this season and stay tuned for that all to come in the next few months.
On a personal level, I didn't have a very exciting year. I went on one blind date and it was a disaster. I've had little or no exposure to anything else that can even remotely resemble a date or a potential for someone to date. All the ladies I've come across that COULD be potential for something, there's been various issues keeping that from happening.
Don't expect that aspect of my life to change at this point. Between work, and the upcoming season I'll be way too busy to even think about it.
The highlight @ the end of this year was getting to meet Mr. Strode @ the Corvette Museum and have a sitdown with him and talk cars briefly. Hopefully, we'll have more time to talk next time I'm down there.
Well, here's to a great 2008 for you all and keep posted to this blog and see what happens.
Any of you that know me, or have been following this blog have probably noticed the change in tone of the blog, as well as just all the stuff I've done this year that I haven't before.
In the course of the year, I've made new friends, re-estabished some, and lost one here and there along the way. Some are still in limbo as I've not quite figured out what to make of them.
Work was a good year in 2007. I got great satisfaction in knowing one of the projects I worked on is going to change the way ( hopefully ) in aviation and the way things are done. I learned alot @ work about not only our company, but also my abilities in my career and what is to come for me. If the last 2 months of work are any indication of what is to come in 2008, we're in great shape to have an even better year.
My autocrossing stepped up a in a big way this year. This was my 1st FULL year in the sport and it was a HUGE learning experience and a big undertaking for me to accomplish. I did my 1st national level events this summer/fall, and while I didn't place well I learned alot about what I need to do this year and what NOT to do. I have tons of plans for this season and stay tuned for that all to come in the next few months.
On a personal level, I didn't have a very exciting year. I went on one blind date and it was a disaster. I've had little or no exposure to anything else that can even remotely resemble a date or a potential for someone to date. All the ladies I've come across that COULD be potential for something, there's been various issues keeping that from happening.
Don't expect that aspect of my life to change at this point. Between work, and the upcoming season I'll be way too busy to even think about it.
The highlight @ the end of this year was getting to meet Mr. Strode @ the Corvette Museum and have a sitdown with him and talk cars briefly. Hopefully, we'll have more time to talk next time I'm down there.
Well, here's to a great 2008 for you all and keep posted to this blog and see what happens.
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